Must I act the childish part. . .

Oh, I'm sure it'll be entertaining for many people. Personally, I didn't really enjoy what I read of the books, but I'm going to see the movie. At least there are a couple of pretty things in the movie for me to look at. . . And I can't disappoint my friends by telling them I don't want to go.

However, I do find it pathetic that seventeen and eighteen year old girls practically pissed themselves with anticipation at the end of school today. It is, after all, just a movie.

Fucking fuck, I am a terrible person.

So, this is it, then. My last night of freedom. Not that I put my freedom to much use, anyway. I waste it. I always waste it. I'm so ungrateful for this respite from school. Hell, I'm ungrateful that school is the worst thing I have to look forward to.

But it does torture me to go there.

To stare at white walls and black boards all day, while sitting in a cramped desk. To be yelled at for writing or drawing because that's not what I'm supposed to be doing. To be trapped with people that I can't stand. People that I don't care about. To be bloody stuck in there all day, wasting my time with things I won't even remember.

I want out, oh god, do I ever. I want out of more than just school. I out of this life. It's useless. Meaningless. I do nothing. Even when I try, I accomplish nothing of real importance. And I'm not even a whole person. There's pieces missing, and I can't find them.

So, I'd like a do over. I'd like to just go back to the start, and try again. Because, obviously, I didn't make the right decisions.

Maybe I'd be happy if I had. But, as it is, the only time I'm really happy is when I'm sleeping. Because the people who make life worth living aren't here with me. And they won't be at school, either.

So, what do I get? Dreams. The only things that make me happy are dreams. Is it any wonder that I sleep so much? Reality is crushing me. Why shouldn't I just sleep. Why can't I just sleep forever? Just keep dreaming magnificent things.

I accomplished something last night, in a dream. And I cried because I had done something meaningful. And my entire body swelled with happiness.

And then I woke up. And I wish I had never woken up.

Taste, maybe smell. I couldn't possibly give up any of my other senses.

To never see again? Never hear again? It would be hell. To lose all the colour, all the wonderful sights. To never be able to hear music again, or laughter. I would die.

And touch? To be able to touch him and not even feel it? Sheer and utter hell.

Live forever? Oh, man, I wish I could.

Anyway, I'd probably do, well, everything. I'd learn every language on earth. I'd travel everywhere.

I'd read all the books and watch all the shows/movies that I don't have time for right now.

I'd study, because I love to learn. I'd go through university over and over again for a bunch of different degrees.

I'd finally get to be rich. I mean, I could save up money from all the various careers I get into. I could be a lawyer in one "life" and a doctor in another. Oh yes. Money, money, money.

I'd never have to choose between, say, taking up fencing and taking up karate. Because I could just become an expert at one, and then the other.

Hmm. That would probably make me a lot more indecisive than I already am. probably not a good thing. Oh well.

But, apart from that, what's the downside? Watching friends and family drop like flies around me? Oh well. I can make new friends. And family members die anyway.

Although, I suppose there are a few people I would miss. I still wish I could really live forever and do all this stuff, though.

Wow. Some of the answers for this are really ticking me off. I mean, sure, using the car less is a good idea. Walking and biking is a good idea. But it doesn't always work.

For instance, I live pretty far out in the country. The nearest convenience store is a fourty five minute walk away. The only non-junk food it sells is bread and milk. The nearest grocery store? Thirty to fourty minute drive away, can't imagine how long it would take to walk. I don't really wanna know how long that would take, or how difficult it would be to bring back the groceries and any other items if I was walking. I probably couldn't carry everything. And who else would walk it? My grandmother who has arthritis in her knees? Yeah, right.

So, for some of us, biking and walking isn't practical or feasible. And don't get me started on hybrid cars. Some of us can't afford those.

Hmm. Lets' see. What happened this summer? Oh right.

I went to the beach about a dozen times. I got to see Hedley. I got a visit from the most amazing boy ever. The family got a new car. I made lots of money. I got two new tarot decks.

Apart from all the angsty stuff, I have nothing but good memories.

Oh, for the love of. . .

I don't even know what to do anymore. Perhaps I should just barricade myself in my room for awhile.

Okay, yeah. my subconscious needs to go away now.

And die.

Preferably in a fire.

I've never entirely believed in love
It's never believed in me, either
I suppose that any other time
That would make this even

Except I found a star
With eyes the colour
Of the sky he fell from
Things are so uneven

Seeing is believing
I have seen
Absolute perfection
I must believe

I believe entirely in love
It still doesn't believe in me
I suppose that any other time
That wouldn't bother me


I will admit to you
And only ever to you
That these passions of mine
Wax
Wane
More quickly than the moon
Every other day
The extent of my love
Waxes
Wanes
Yet it refuses to disappear
Are you the tide?
To pull my passions as they
Wax
Wane


Something strange
A vice grip--
An ice grip--
No, it is more than that.

A vice grip
An ice grip
Could never fill me with
Such pleasure(pain)

Every word of yours
Every smile
Every look
Squeezes my heart

It feels like it will burst
From the pleasure
The pain
God, it overflows

This will be the death of me
Heart failure
I know
Or maybe it will just--

BreakShatterIntoPieces

I am a corpse that breathes accidently, and longs for something living to fill it up.

Goddamn.

Just. . .

Yeah.

I'm totally fucked, aren't I?

Yeah. Yeah I am.

Wonderful.

Christ, I need a drink.

Vampires, no doubt. For one thing, werewolves used to scare the fuck out of me when I was little. Plus, vampires are undead. That'd be cool. Yeah. Plus, y'know, blood is always nice.

It should go on everything. Especially hot dogs, and chocolate chip cookie sandwiches. Why yes, I was the kind of child who liked to experiment with food.

I totally had a squishy thingamabob named George. It was the 'child' of me and one of my friends. I sued for custody. I lost. George can now be found under my friends futon.

Why is it that nothing every goes my way? As soon as I am allowed a single ounce of happiness, contentment, or even a state of uneasy peace, it gets snatched away by someone. I'm not sure which of the many I should blame this time. Likely myself, for being myself.

If I could accept that this is my fate, that I'm always going to be unhappy, it would be better. If I could accept that I don't get the things I want (usually due to my own stupidity) things might be better. If I realized that I actually need to abandon my permanent state of confusion and denial, things would be better.

Of course, that's not going to happen anytime soon, and I'm still busy denying things. Hell, I'm trying hard to repress things enough that it's not denial anymore.

Like that's going to happen.

As annoying as the feelings, thoughts, etc. are, they're hard to repress. Maybe it's my OCD, maybe it's just me. I wish that I could find the switch in my head that makes the feelings and thoughts go away. I don't think it even exists anymore. Fuckkkk.

I hate my life.

My efforts seem to be sorely lacking lately. Oh yeah. I can kick someone in the head, but I can't keep from getting tongue-tied around him. I feel like I'm failing, somehow, even when I'm not.

Marks in school, what have they ever been to me? And now they mean even less. I can solve equations, I can write five page essays, I can combine chemicals for fantastic reactions. I can do all this and get nineties constantly, but I can't talk to a boy. I can't maintain a friendship. I never know how to talk to others.

Everybody tells me what I should want. Good marks, so I can get a good job, so I can have a good life. Why can't they realize that all I want is to be able to talk to people. I just wish I could be somewhere close to normal.

I just wish I knew how to talk to him, how to be his friend. But I can't do it.

I feel so messed up right now. I've been feeling messed up for days. I don't even know what it is, but it's pissing me off. Seriously.

At least I'm drawing better? But the only thing I seem to be drawing lately is Mello. I got bored of drawing L. Drawing three picture os the same guy every day for awhile can do that to a person I guess. I just want to be the best, why does it require practice?

I've been watching too much Death Note. That's not a problem right now though. I guess. Fuck, I got bored of it because I managed to watch twenty-seven episodes in one week, not counting the one on Friday, or all the times I've read multiple volumes of the manga.

Yet, I'm still only drawing characters from Death Note. It's good practice and all, but I don't know why I'm bothering. If I'm not feeling into it enough to watch the anime, why am I bothering to draw the characters.

Why am I so good at drawing Mello? Why am I always good at drawing the deranged ones? With ridiculous facial expressions?

Why am I asking all these questions? I'm not getting an answer anyway.

The last couple of days have been something like this:

Get up at an ungodly hour. Get washed and dressed in a daze. Walk way too far in way too much heat. Take up residence in the hospital for most of the day. Decide to go home. Walk way too far in way too much heat again. Eat either way too much or not enough. Do silly things like this on the computer. Walk back to the hospital. Heh, too much walking. Stay there until ten or eleven, maybe all night. Come home. Maybe fall asleep. Repeat.

Fuck. I'm so goddamn tired, but I gotta go back up.

I can't find my TS CD. That's. . . quite depressing actually. I lost the songs on my computer when I wiped the hard drive, and now I can't find my bloody CD. I think I'm over-emotional today.